Take the Power Away from the Bully

          

         The hidden consequences of bullying may be far more than we as a society are willing to acknowledge. Thirty five years ago Greg’s family moved from the farm house to a town house when he was in middle school. The farm boy was an oddity in the city school and the bullying started immediately. At one time he was threatened with a gun. The child with the gun got kicked out of school, but the bullying continued in other ways. Greg had a rich imagination and retreated from real life into a fantasy life where he was a basketball star and very popular. About the same time, Greg was introduced to pornography. He quickly became addicted as he used both the fantasies and the pornography to escape the pain of the bullying. Fast forward to today. Greg now appears to be a successful business owner and leader in the church and community. Statistically, he would be one of those that bullying had no ill effect. The hidden reality is far different. His business has a high employee turnover and his former employees don’t have a lot of good to say about him. He almost destroyed his business because of his addiction.  He lives in a fantasy world and gets rid of anything that starts to interfere with his highly protected view of himself. His family has paid the price of those unresolved pains. His children were bullied at school and church or they became the bullies. He divorced and remarried. His children all have emotional and related physical issues including; anxiety, depression, paranoia, cutting, anorexia, attempted suicide and one child died by suicide. The family legacy is one of running away from problems rather than working to resolve them. The fear of facing the problem is much too overwhelming. Greg is just one example of the ongoing fear that lives in the heart of the bullied. What is the real impact of bullying on our society? Greg is now in a power position in society. How many adults in power positions were once bullied as a child? How many adults were once the bully and still are because they never lost their dominant position? Those are questions to consider as I define bullying and the mindset that makes it possible and then continue with what is being done and what still needs to be done.

Bullying defined and the mindset of the bully

            We need to understand what bullying is and the psychological mindset that makes bullying possible before we can determine solutions to the problem. “Bullying involves targeted intimidation or humiliation. Typically, a physically stronger or socially more prominent person (ab)uses her/his power to threaten, demean, or belittle another. To make the target or victim feel powerless, the bully can resort to a number of aggressive behaviors. However, bullying entails more than aggression: It captures a dynamic interaction between the perpetrator and the victim. The power imbalance between the two parties distinguishes bullying from conflict. (Juvonen and Graham, 2013, p.161). Bullying can include physical or relational aspects. Relational bullying can be more psychologically harmful because of the tendency to overlook or dismiss it. The mindset of bullies is a critical element in understanding the problem. “Early studies suggested that childhood aggression stems from a lack of social skills or that aggressive behaviors reflect a budding antisocial personality (Juvonen and Graham, 2013, p.164).” However, relational bullying requires a high level of social skills. There is evidence to suggest bullies lack empathy. It is more important to them to be visible, influential, and admired. They frequently have high social status. They use strategic behavior to gain and maintain a dominant position. They rate themselves lower on depression, social anxiety, and loneliness than youths who are socially adjusted. They “maintain their positive self-views by blaming and aggressing against others instead of accepting personal responsibility for negative events.” The feedback they receive from their peers is more positive than negative. “When peers do not challenge bullies’ aggressive behaviors, bullying is maintained and even reinforced by the peer collective (Juvonen and Graham, 2013, p.165).”

What isn't working

            Bullying is an ongoing problem for the schools and our society. It is a complex problem with no easy fixes. Laws require schools to have anti-bullying policies, but they don’t go far enough. Schools have tried several approaches, but they face limitations of time, budget, and biases of parents and staff. Their approaches tend to be quick fix and short term. Misdirections in Bullying Prevention and Intervention (2014) reviews the programs that aren’t working and why. In brief;

·         Zero Tolerance doesn’t work because one in five students would be affected by the policies and the threat to expel an offending student limits the willingness to report bullying.

·         Conflict resolution and peer mediation may be great for conflict situations, but it sends the wrong message to both victims and bullies. Bullying is not a conflict, it is a form of victimization. “The message to a child who is bullied should be, “no one deserves to be bullied, and we will do everything we can to stop it.” The message for children who bully should be, “your behavior is inappropriate and you, must stop it.”

·         Simple, short-term solutions have no lasting effect because they are just too limited for a complex problem.

·         Group treatment for children who bully can intensify the problem as the members serve as role models for each other and reinforce the antisocial and bullying behaviors.(pp.1-2)

P  Promising Programs

            There are promising programs that have shown some success. In 2012, an international review of the effectiveness of antibullying school programs looked at the effectiveness of the components of many different programs and came up with these recommendations:

1) Success is greater when all the staff in the school and the parents of the children are involved.

2) The programs need to be adapted to the social and cultural characteristics of the school population.

3) Long-term intervention is vital. Effectiveness decreases when the intervention is not maintained. Reminder sessions need to be included in the program and within the academic curriculum (Barbero, Hernández, Esteban, García, 2012)”

Specific programs noted in the article, Bullying in Schools (2013) include many of these elements. They are in two categories, school wide interventions and targeted interventions.

·         School wide interventions include the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program (OBPP), KiVa “against bullying,” WITS (Walk Away, Ignore, Talk It Out, and Seek Help), and Steps to Respect. “Steps to Respect” is one of the few programs implemented in the United States. It was implemented in the elementary school grades in the Pacific Northwest.

·         Targeted interventions focus on 10 -15% of youth who are involved in bullying incidents. They are designed to address the dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors of children who show aggression against others. Fast Track is an extensive program that has a yearlong curriculum, weekly meetings, and goes from 1^st to 5^th grade. It is not easily implemented and requires targeting the right youth. Other target approaches include Brainpower for elementary youth and Coping Power Program for boys transitioning to middle school (Juvonen and Graham, 2013)

      Missing Pieces

            Even though we see some success in these programs there are missing pieces and the percentage of schools implementing the successful programs are limited. Some missing pieces:

•        There is very little research on the long term consequences of bullying in both the victims lives and the bullies lives. Questions that still need to be answered include: Where are they now? How did the bullying impact their life? How many adults are still carrying traumatic scars from their youth? Did the physical forms of bullying stop only to be replaced by the relational forms?
•     Research is limited on the characteristics of schools that promote or protect  against bullying (Juvonen and Graham, 2013)
•        The targeted approaches tend to focus on the bully and there seems to be very few programs that address the needs of the victims.

Even with the best programs, wide reach implementation has many challenges especially in the USA. The OBPP has only been implemented in about 4% of the schools in the United States. Problems in implementation include; lack of motivation to implement comprehensive school based programs, inadequate knowledge about effective prevention and intervention, and the resources to make it happen. Bullying needs to be recognized as an issue of public health and not just an issue of the education system (Olweus, Limber 2010)

Where do we go from here?

            So where do we go from here? We are starting to recognize bullying is a problem. There are movies and TED talks and media spots addressing the issue. Many of us know personal stories of those impacted by bullies. As I started research on this paper, my neighbor’s boy was out of school because of being physically bullied. He told me that even after multiple complaints the school was unwilling to do anything about it. I pulled my children out of school to homeschool them partly because of bullying and not feeling like I could get help from the school to prevent it. How do we provide sufficient motivation to overcome the challenges of implementing these programs in the schools? My proposal includes:

•           We need more research of the real impact on our society because of bullying and more research on the characteristics of those schools that don’t seem to have a problem with bullying. The research could be used to help educate the public, the policy makers, school staff and especially the principals. A motivated school principal can go a long way in pushing past the obstacles in implementing the programs.
•          We need laws that do more than require a bully prevention program. The laws need to “require research-based approaches to prevention and intervention (Olweus, Limber 2010).”
•           Schools need to implement long term school wide programs that help bullies and victims as well as harnessing the power of the peer support group. Understanding what gives the bully power, including the bully support group, goes a long way in prevention. If targeted approaches are used, they need to include help for the victims.

Overall, most schools have antibullying policies, but they are ineffective. There are programs available to help with the bullying problem, but they are not being implemented. We need to continue our education as a society on the harmful effects of bullying and provide resources to the schools so they will implement the programs that are having success. The health of our society depends on it. The power needs to be taken away from the bully!

References

Jiménez Barbero, J., Ruiz Hernández, J., Llor Esteban, B., & Pérez García, M. (2012).       Effectiveness of antibullying school programmes: A systematic review by evidence levels. Children and Youth Services Review, 34(9), p.1646–1658

Juvonen, J., & Graham, S. (2013). Bullying in Schools: The Power of Bullies and the Plight of Victims. Annual Review of Psychology, 65, 159-185. Retrieved November 15,2014, from http://psych.annualreviews.org

Misdirections in Bullying Prevention and Intervention.pdf (2014, June) Retrieved November 14, 2014, from http://www.stopbullying.gov

Olweus, D. and Limber, S. P. (2010), Bullying in School: Evaluation and Dissemination of the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program. American Journal of   Orthopsychiatry, 80: 124–134. doi: 10.1111/j.1939-0025.2010.01015.x

Stuart-Cassel, V., Bell, A., Springer, J. F. (2011) Analysis of State Bullying Laws and Policies. Retrieved on November 28, 2014,  from http://www2.ed.gov

Tamanini, K. (2009). How Do We Stop Bullying in Schools?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 10, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com

Twemlow, Stuart W., and Sacco, Frank C.. Preventing Bullying and School Violence. Arlington, VA, USA: American Psychiatric Publishing, 2012. ProQuest ebrary.  Web. 11 November 2014.

Don't Fear the Challenges

To listen to a reading of this:
http://www.screencast.com/t/Rsy4qql3aw

           I’m sitting on the couch, laptop open, earbuds in, and microphone unmuted. With my husband working and my daughter not expected home from school for a couple hours, the house is silent. I’m in a virtual group meeting discussing a college assignment. The door opens and I turn to see my daughter burst in and go straight to her room. Right behind her is my former husband and his new wife. The sight of him puts me instantly on guard as memories fill my mind and anxiety floods my body. Recently, he took me to small claims court after having the summons delivered on my wedding day. Why is he in my house? He blurts out the details of our oldest sons suicide. I am in shock! Eventually, I compose myself enough to mute the microphone. I type into the chat, “I have to go. I just found out my son died.” The next few weeks are a blur, but I’m not devastated. Why? My recent past is helping me change my perspective on challenges.

            The divorce after a 29 year marriage, loss of financial security, moving to a smaller rental home in a new community, and loss of my local support system, were challenges that created immense fear in my life. I turned to the Lord, taking it one day at a time. The Lord showered me with compensating blessings and opened up unexpected opportunities. Friends treated me to a haircut, a ham for Christmas, and a $50 gift of cash that made a treasured Christmas tradition possible. Receiving attention from a much younger man at a singles dance restored some of my confidence. Affordable opportunities for college came for me and my two youngest daughters. Then, I met a man who quickly became my best friend. We connected on so many levels and he cared for me in a way I had never felt before. A few months later we were engaged and we married later in the year.

            Of all the challenges, the most devastating was the change in my relationship with my children. For 30 years, my dreams and my focus had centered on my family. I loved big family holiday meals and looked forward to spoiling my grandchildren. Every time I invited my children to a dinner or activity, they said “no.” My oldest son got mad at me at cut me out of his life. A couple months later the same happened with my oldest daughter. They didn’t explain their reasons. When I went on my honeymoon, I came home to discover another daughter had moved out of my home and in with her dad.  Again, there was no explanation or forewarning. I spent Thanksgiving alone and Christmas was only with my new husband. I never expected divorce to also mean losing my children. How do I find purpose in my life now?

            The same week I found out about my son’s death, the financing went through for the home my husband and I were buying. Once again I move and start over in building relationships. I get called as a ward missionary and embrace the sister missionaries as my own daughters. One particular teaching experience was eye opening for me as I was able to use my past painful experiences to connect with this older single woman. I began making friends with many other single women in the area. I realize how the Lord is using my most painful experiences to bless the lives of others. In loving and serving others, I find purpose. In three years, I have gone from divorce to happy marriage and from the death of my son to new life with many friends. My children are coming back to me and spending time with me. My ninth grandchild is on the way. The Lord has blessed me and I have greater faith in His making all challenges work for good. With new perspective, challenges have lost their frightening power. 

What It Means to be Educated

A writing assignment for my English class:

What It Means to be Educated

            I received a letter from my missionary daughter sharing her insights on how intelligence equals light. She talked about how Christ is the light of the world, God’s glory is so bright that we need to be transfigured to be in His presence, and that we are here on earth to gain knowledge or intelligence. Since intelligence equals light, then we are here on earth as “light just trying to grow brighter.” She concluded by saying, “Let your light so shine!” This concept is what I believe summarizes the purpose of education. Knowing the purpose of education is the first step in defining what it means to be educated. To be perfectly educated is to have the same light, knowledge, and intelligence as God.

            We cannot achieve a perfect education in this life, but we can strive to become the best we can be. Each one of us has different talents and abilities so our focus will be different. Because of those differences, an educated person will realize they need to rely on other peoples strengths and learn from them.  We also need to be willing to share what we are learning with others. No one of us will be able to have the needed knowledge alone. If we presume to be more educated than another to the point that we feel they have nothing of value to share with us, or if we feel we have nothing of value to share with others, then we are doing ourselves and others a disservice and blocking opportunities for each of us to further our education. Thomas G Plummer (1990), a BYU professor, addresses this issue in the article Diagnosing and Treating the Ophelia Syndrome. He gives us a treatment plan that will help us avoid this critical mistake in our education process. His suggestions include:

• ·         Seek out and learn from great teachers
• ·         Dare to know and trust yourself
• ·         Learn to live with uncertainty
• ·         Practice dialectical thinking
• ·         Foster idle thinking
• ·         Plan to step out of bounds

            Everybody Is Ignorant, Only on Different Subjects by Eliot A. Butler (1976)  is another great article defining education. He expresses many great thoughts which put into words some of my own views about education. His ideas include:

• ·         We need to be consciously, vigorously, and continually learning.
• ·         “There should be purpose and a sense of responsibility to the learning.”
• ·         “Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.”
• ·         “The educated person will have increased capacity for living amidst some ambiguity, without losing faith in God or man.”
• ·         “To be educated will enrich one’s life and increase one’s joy –and joy is the reason that humans are. To be educated will increase one’s humanness and one’s respect and love for God’s offspring –and such love is the second great commandment. To be educated will enlarge one’s capacity to serve one’s neighbor.”

Butler also addresses the degradation of language and the difficulty of having enough competence in the language to both say it well and understand what is being said. I have had my own struggles with trying to pass on knowledge to my children and others and them misunderstanding to the point of completely twisting and distorting my original meaning. It is a frustrating experience. It makes communication difficult when there are language barriers and the same word has different meanings to different people.

            To help bridge those gaps of misunderstanding and truly become educated in a way that brings us closer to the knowledge of God, requires the presence of the Holy Ghost and learning by faith. Elder Bednar (2007) tells us, “An answer we discover or obtain through the exercise of faith, typically, is retained for a lifetime. The most important learnings of life are caught—not taught.” Learning by faith requires a different set of skills than the typical education process. The Holy Ghost is part of the process. Being worthy, asking in prayer, listening for the direction of the spirit, stepping out of our comfort zone to do, trusting in God’s timing, serving others, and expressing gratitude are all part of the process.

            Education is a continual process bringing us ever and ever closer to the knowledge of God. It requires an individual as well as a group effort. Each individual has to put in their best effort and then the group provides a synergistic dynamic as they teach and learn from each other. By the nature of the goal of education, not all knowledge is of equal value. It must be focused on those things that will bring more value to our life, to the world around us, and draw us closer to God. The only way to bridge the gap between the knowledge we can attain in this world and the needed eternal knowledge is by faith. The Holy Ghost is our greatest teacher and our greatest learning experiences come when the Holy Ghost is added to our group. Let us shine our individual lights and work to make them brighter and brighter every day!

References

Bed,    Bednar, D. A. (2007, September). Seek learning by faith. Ensign. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Butl    Butler, E. (1976, September 14). Everybody is Ignorant, Only on Different Subjects. Brigham Young University. Retrieved from https://byui.app.box.com/embed/l16mrtp5sptz9tv.swf

Plu      Plummer, T. G. (1990, April 5). Diagnosing and treating the Ophelia syndrome. Brigham Young Unniversity.